The other day I went to buy a swimsuit for an upcoming family vacation. I found one that made me look “sexy” and isn’t that the point?
The moment I got home and put it on I felt gross. I felt like I needed a shower to scrub off the disgusting grime of self betrayal. I bought the swimsuit that my internalized patriarchal motivation to satiate the male gaze compelled me to buy - the one that would project “sexy” through the learned heteronormative lens of “feminine” beauty standards which, by the way there are NOTHING WRONG with if their embodiment is a CONSENSUAL and conscious CHOICE, but that is not my truth. I erased myself.
I had a moment of succumbing to the gendered socialization I work constantly to unlearn. At first I felt shame then I realized that the choice I made was not weakness but rather a progress checkpoint. I have come far but I have a long way to go.
I returned the swimsuit the next day and searched for another. When I tried this suit on in the fitting room I did a little happy dance THIS is me
Here I am at the beach, happy as a clam and gender euphoric but this is not just a cute story of euphoria. This is a story to illustrate the necessity of gender affirming EVERYTHING - clothing, people, health care, education, legislation, and rhetoric. If the wrong SWIMSUIT could send me into a dysphoric self-loathing spiral imagine how trans kids on sports teams in Texas feel right now. Imagine how trans people in TN, IA, MO and so many other states stripping trans people of human rights feel right now.
Call your congress people. Talk to your transphobic friends and family. Ask people their pronouns and if you can, put them in your bio. Most importantly, work to love yourself for when we love ourselves we don’t feel the need to undermine people being authentic I LOVE YOU
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