When I was 13 I came out to myself as “not normal”
I didn’t know what I was but I knew it wasn’t normal to masturbate to Lady Gaga in concert and Google image searches of “girl in bikini”
When I was 16 I had my first boyfriend. He was my best friend so it was an easy transition. We kissed once and I broke up with him the next day.
When I was 20 I came out as bisexual with the emphasis on the sexual. Obviously girls are hot isn’t everyone attracted to women? But I could never fall in love with one.
When I was 21 I had my first girlfriend. I fell in love with her and that scared me. It was…better than any relationship I had had with men but I wasn’t “supposed to” date women so I ended it.
When I was 22 I married my best friend. It’s not normal to marry the person you love more than anyone in the world and still daydream about marrying a girl.
Then I started teaching and I didn’t date anyone. Then a global pandemic hit and I didn’t even see my friends. The irony of the pandemic was it forced me to reconcile my truest self - someone I easily realized was supposed to date non-men. The circumstances prevented exploring that so I blocked it out of my mind but every time the algorithm presented another lesbian couple account to follow I would scroll myself into a depressing envy. I couldn’t stop wishing for that.
When I came home from the trail I felt the crushing weight of a big secret. I had rationalized myself into my relationships with men for years and while I am ABSOLUTELY attracted to people of all genders it’s different with non-men.
I realized the mental gymnastics I did for a decade to date and have sex with men wasn’t normal. I realized writing “have a long-term girlfriend” as my top New Years resolution three years in a row wasn’t normal. Then I realized life would be easier if I just came out as sapphic and the only thing that’s “not normal” is how ubiquitous and deeply internalized homophobia is. Being myself was not an option presented to me by family, the media, or society.
I’m 25. It’s been a long painful road until my life reflected how I’ve always felt on the inside. I hope you find the same I love you
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