Massachusetts
Beetle and I hiked together and decided to attempt the 50 mile again in a few days. We hiked very well together and always had interesting things to discuss.
I looked back at my messages with people in my life and I told Bret “I’ve been hiking so fast I forgot how to enjoy the moment and I’ve kind of lost sight of my purpose here recently.” Beetle helped me re-discover that purpose or at least distract myself from the lack thereof.
Cory was supposed to leave for Maine to support hikers summiting at the end and we agreed that I would see him when I got there. I wanted to be alone and away from Cory but I was simultaneously terrified of being alone with my thought and feelings. It felt as if someone had beat me up then left me for dead. I was still breathing but I was so exhausted I couldn’t get up off the floor. All I wanted was to be away from him but I was so emotionally exhausted from the rollercoaster of being around him it was hard to function without him. I became dependent on him. Abuse undermines the victim’s agency and self-confidence. He framed it so I thought I needed him. I didn’t want him to leave, and he wanted to be needed, so he stayed to slack pack us for our second attempt at a 50 mile day.
I was isolating myself with my abuser and everyone around me couldn’t even see what was happening. My mom expressed concern and I shut her out. When you’re in the thick of abuse, people often defend their abusers and do anything to prevent the curtain being pulled back from the illusion that everything’s fine.
On August 4th I texted Bret “This whole two guy thing is awful. It could go either way at this point. What I realized is that the bravest most kind thing I can do right now is continue to lie about how I feel - what a wild and crazy concept. I hate all this.” I know now, that was true - lying would keep me safe and the truth would put me in immense danger. The truth always comes out though and the truth nearly got me killed later on. Lying was a thin wall preventing everything from exploding violently and that wall would soon begin to crack. Lies are fragile, especially in dealings with a sociopath.
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