NY —> NC
Cory was so happy. He admitted that selfishly, he was glad he got so much time with me. Sometimes he worshiped me. That’s why we stay. Abusers build their victims up so they can tear us down in a never ending cycle. We were road tripping! I was living the jeep/van life you see on Instagram with two dogs and a hot shirtless bearded hiker with blue eyes and dimples. Maybe I was where I was meant to be?
On the third day of the road trip we stopped at a gas station and I went inside to go to the bathroom. I was a the stall pooping when the bathroom door flung open and I head Cory shout “get in the car, NOW.” I thought there was an emergency so I cleaned up and ran outside. “What is it?” I asked.
“Get in the FUCKING CAR, Sarah.” He was rage-filled.
Hesitant, I got in the car. He screeched out of the parking lot and started driving 100 mph down the highway.
“Will you please tell me what’s wrong?” My voice quivered. He threw my phone at me and it hurt when it hit my arm. A conversation with Sam was open on my screen. “I love you and I can’t wait to see you” it read. It was my message to him. Oh my god. He was going to kill me. I immediately started crying out of fear, like the stupid blonde girl cries in horror movies when she knows the monster is gonna kill her. I couldn’t breathe I was crying so hard and hyperventilating. “I’m sorry I’m so sorry” I pleaded. “Please forgive me I’m so sorry I don't love him I love you I just couldn’t hurt him I’m sorry.”
“Shut UP,” he screamed. “SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING CUNT.”
“Please I’m sor-“ he veered over three lanes of traffic and screeched to a halt in the emergency lane.
He turned to me and got in my face and said, “If I hear another word from you I swear to god I will take this gun and blow my fucking brains out.” He kept a gun under his seat.
He got out of the car and slammed the door. He started walking down the highway barefoot. I had no idea where he was going or what he was doing. He just waked about 100 meters away. He knelt down and put his hands over his head. “Should I run?” I thought. “Should I try to get a car to pick me up before he notices I’m gone and hitch somewhere? Anywhere but here,” I thought. I couldn’t make it into the woods and I couldn’t grab all my stuff before he noticed. I was trapped. I hugged the dogs but even they were anxious. Cory was a bomb and he just exploded.
After 15 minutes of him pacing back and forth in the emergency lane, cars racing by, he came back to the car. “The only thing stopping me from walking into that traffic is these fucking dogs.” I could see his blood boiling, making his the veins in his forehead pop out. He got back in the car and slammed the door. I was still crying. “Shut up,” he said. “I have never hit a woman but I am damn close.”
He turned the car on, floored the gas pedal, and sped back into the freeway traffic. He was going 100 mph again, weaving between cars. “Get in the back,” he said. “I can’t stand to look at your pathetic slut face.”
I crawled in the back with the dogs and hugged them. I kept crying but I was faking it. I just wanted him to feel sympathetic enough not to kill me or crash the car with all of us in it. “Here,” he said, and threw his phone at me. “Find the nearest airport I don't ever want to see you again.” Really? You promise? I was elated. Freedom. I could taste it. “There’s one Forty minutes away,” I said and handed him the phone. I was close. Forty minutes until I never had to see him again. I forced out some more fake tears so he wouldn’t suspect I was actually relieved. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
He navigated to the airport. I decided I would get a flight to Chicago to see Sam instead of my mom in LA. I wanted to run into his arms and be held by someone safe and familiar. Sam was not my knight in shining armor but he wasn’t a drug-addict psychopath. He was a very good person. I just wanted him to hold me. Maybe I still loved him? I fantasized about telling him everything - telling him the truth. I knew it would hurt at first but he would see everything I had endured and tell me it wasn’t my fault. He would say that he understood why I had to do what I did and he still loved me and this would make us stronger. Cory was right about one thing. He said, “the truth will set you free.” It was time for me to tell Sam the truth and be free - to heal.
I was exhausted from the emotional exertion but it seemed like we had been driving for more than forty minutes. I popped my head up from the back and looked around. The airport was in a city and we weren’t anywhere near a city. He looked at me in the rearview mirror. “By now you can see, I’m not taking you to the airport.” He said it calmly, like a serial killer. I guess now was when he would drive me to a shed in the woods and dismember me. “Where do you think I’m taking you?” He asked. Why was he suddenly so calm? “Uhh. I don’t know. Where?”
“No guesses? I’m taking you home. Like we planned.” What???
“You really fucked up Sarah and I don't know when I’ll be able to forgive you. You lied to me. You betrayed me. But people can change. People grow. And I want to stand by you even when things get tough. So I’m taking you home with me and giving you a chance to prove this is what you really want. Don’t let me down because if you do it will break me.” Oh wow what a sweet and selfless sentiment. “I still want to go to the airport,” I thought.
“No, it’s okay. I treated you terribly. I don’t deserve another chance. You should probably just take me to the airport and block my number. I will just cause you more pain,” I said.
“Do you love me?” He asked - a loaded question.
“Of - of course,” I hesitated. He said he would give me one last chance to prove my love and devotion.
“Then we can get through anything. I’ll take you home and let’s talk about it. I think I can forgive you I just need a bit of time to know you’re in this for real.” I exhaled. A few more days. I could make it.
“There is one thing I need you to do though.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“You need to call Sam right now and actually break up with him like you said you would. I need to hear you do it so I know you’re not lying. You HAVE TO be honest Sarah or this won’t work.” I couldn’t do that. I didn’t want to leave Sam. I didn't trust myself to make life-altering decisions but I couldn’t get out of this one.
Comments