I was distraught about what to do romantically. I felt like I had to choose between Lionheart and Sam. There was a time when I thought I might marry Sam one day. I texted my best friend Bret, to get her advice. She brought up good points that even if I did marry him one day, he was the first person I had ever dated. We had been together for a long time and, “you need some space to see if the things bothering you are deal breakers. I feel like I’ve observed you be frustrated with certain things about him for a long time and I feel like you owe it to yourself to at least take a break and see if you’re happier without those things or if he’s really someone you don’t want to live without.” That was a perfect idea.
Lionheart would always pick up trash he saw on trail and he would swerve across three lanes of traffic to help someone pulled over on the side of the road. He had qualities I always wanted in a partner and didn’t feel I was getting. He was passionate and he wanted me. I didn’t feel seen, wanted, or valued in my existing relationship and I was vulnerable to compliments.
My relationship with Lionheart was volatile and capricious. All I have as records of my erratic, feverish emotional process through the trauma and abuse are text exchanges between Bret and I. Every vestige of Lionheart who I will henceforth call Cory (his real name) have been erased during a period when I was healing from the abuse and got triggered at the sight of him or mention of his name. I stopped calling Cory by his trail name when I became disenchanted with him. I no longer felt that he had the heart of a lion and I just wanted to escape.
On July 24 at 7:41AM I texted Bret, “I’m telling Sam we need a break today. I think Lionheart may very well be my soulmate.”
Sam could tell what was happening. He agreed to a break and he was incredibly hurt, not because I asked for a break but because he knew why and he knew I was lying. I was dodgy and cryptic. I questioned if I was doing the right thing constantly but I didn’t trust myself so I deferred to Cory and the closest I could get to breaking up with Sam, which he demanded, was asking for a break to buy myself time enough to figure out how to escape this mess.
If you’ve never experienced abuse you may ask how I thought Cory was my soulmate and simultaneously was devising an escape from the relationship. It oscillated and sometimes it was both. As if Hollywood’s portrayal of “true, earth shattering, transformative love” as “violently passionate and painful” was true. It makes you question everything and lose yourself in the passion. We often romanticize toxic attraction.
Being a good friend, Bret supported that I was doing the right thing by stepping away from Sam to figure out what I truly wanted. What she could not have accounted for was that my mind was not my own. I was possessed by Cory or rather, possessed by the fear of my own free thoughts that would make me question him and likely leave once I identified the abuse. Abuse operates to brainwash and condition so the victim does not question the abuser or the situation.
On July 26th at 6:12AM I texted her “I don’t think it’s gonna work with Lionheart.”
“Oh no already? I can talk at Noon.”
I wish I knew what I told her on that call at noon.
On July 29 at 1:40PM I texted “Things are fine actually haha.”
Abusive relationships are a roller coaster.
I told Bret on July 30th that my mom told me she’s disappointed in me and started crying. “She thinks I’m going to sacrifice my life goals and plans and be homeless with Lionheart in his Jeep forever lol.”
I remember that at the time, it hurt deeply that my mom gave up on me.
Cory had what he called a serenity prayer tattooed on his wrist. He read it to me often:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can’t accept
and the wisdom to know the difference.
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