Williamstown, MA —> Bennington, VT
While Cory and I were in Williamstown I wrote an email I sent as an update to people in my life including family, friends, and college professors which is profoundly embarrassing and cringeworthy in retrospect reading what I wrote:
*pleasantries*
I am currently at an inn in Williamstown, MA feeling lucky I chose Swarthmore instead of Williams (where this town is) because if I had none of you wonderful individuals (except those I share blood with) would be in my life. Being in a college town of a school similar to Swarthmore is making me miss it. A large part of this journey for me has been mourning the loss of a precious era in my life and moving on to the next adventure. Many of you are the ones who made my time in college so special and enriching and while I’m moving on from Swarthmore as an institution, I hope to take all of you who have helped shape me and who have given me the skills and character I have today into the next phases of my life. Thank you.
I want to take this opportunity to share with you all some of the main lessons I’ve learned since I’ve been out here.
The trail provides: A figure of speech on trail meaning the universe provides when we are open to it. Good will and love always surrounds us and people will surprise you. You can never judge a book by its cover because so many individuals are unique and have things to offer.
Letting go and moving on: letting go of expectations, the past, the future, and even the present as it passes before us. Time is a construct but life is finite in its current form so I must be selective about how to use it
Slowing down. Listening and slowing down is the harder more courageous option than running full speed ahead sometimes.
Everything is an opportunity- injury, mistakes, people, the rain - all the challenges and discomfort on trail are lessons.
Reevaluating priorities
Learning to be alone
BIG cringe.
I hiked out of Williamstown and said goodbye to Cory. He said we should be apart so he could think about things and re-evaluate his life and so I could think about whether this was what I “really wanted” - “this” of course being a life with him. He said I had not demonstrated the kind of commitment he “needed to see to know if this will last.” He sensed my hesitation and though I told him I had broken up with Sam, he sensed I was lying because of how unfazed I must have seemed about ending a three year relationship. I wasn’t upset about ending a relationship that was never ended but I knew that between Sam and I that was just a matter of time. I had to end the relationship but not on Cory’s time. I was also terrified of being alone in such a precarious and dangerous situation.
I got to the beginning of the Long Trail in Vermont. After I took some pictures at the sign a storm hit. Vermont was muddy, hence its affectionate nickname, Vermud. The trail became a river and I was swimming upstream. The rain got heavier and the sky got darker. I ran into a hiker named Gusher and we pressed forward together, talking to distract ourselves from the storm. When we heard a loud crash of thunder and saw a bright lighting bolt right after we agreed it was time to seek shelter.
We hiked 0.2 to the next shelter and found 10 hikers huddled inside. We all joked about the storm until we saw a bolt of lightning touch the ground right in front of the shelter. No one dared leave. We waited an hour and the storm passed so Gusher and I kept walking. We were the same age and had a lot of fun things to talk about but in my head all I could think about was getting off trail. My brain was SCREAMING to get off trail. I just wanted to be alone. When we got to the first road crossing, I told Gusher I had to go into town to resupply (I didn’t) and he should hike on. We parted ways and I tried to hitch into Bennington, VT.
I kept getting sucked farther from my core self, farther from my true self. I was so lost and exhausted by simply existing. I was empty and so broken I couldn’t function without Cory. I wasn’t happy with him but I was helpless without him. This is the best way I can describe what an abusive relationship feels like. The most dangerous interpersonal Catch 22.
Waiting for a hitch I ran into a hiker named Squatch who I met briefly in the Shenandoahs in Virgina. It was nice to see a familiar face but I was embarrassed of my disposition. He couldn’t visibly tell the ways I had changed but in my head I knew the person he met in Virginia was not the same person he ran into standing on the side of the road. It was a mind fuck to see someone I had met so recently but was in such a drastically altered mental state since meeting.
As we rode into town together I told him a summary of my tortured feelings about my relationship with Sam. He was older and wiser and told me, "all you can do is speak your truth. You can’t control people’s reactions.” I was trying to control Sam’s reaction. I was trying to stop him from being angry or sad or hurt as I knew he would be and that’s why I was delaying the breakup. I remember Squatch’s words and use them to this day to tell the truth in relationships.
When we arrived in Bennington I walked past a church and glanced inside. Beetle?
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