Siphon

The next day, Cory drove me back to the other side of Mt.Greylock, the highest point in Massachusetts. I hiked about ten miles to approach it, summited, then hiked down and met him back in Williamstown. I got my stuff and he decided to go to Maine that day. I would hike on into Vermont and he would meet me at the end. He said I needed to hike alone instead of spend so much time with him. No fucking shit. But it was too late. I was enmeshed.

I just wanted love and Cory gave me something that felt like a deep abiding love and I believe he truly thought he loved me but the way it was expressed caused more harm than good. We cooked dinner together and he always told me stories about his past that fascinated me. We laid in his tent late at night and I sat listening to his stories wide eyed like a child. I thought the world of him when it was good and that’s why it was so easy for him to control and manipulate how I felt about myself. He was like a dangerous drug - feels good in the moment but too much could kill you.

In the thick of abuse, it seems like nothing is wrong. It’s easy to say the abuser is “passionate” or “cares deeply” which are good, right? That's how psychological manipulation and gaslighting work. Cory was so supportive and kind. He helped me so much on trail l felt indebted to him but he created the situations in which I needed help, like keeping me off trail so I fell behind, then slack packing me for days so I could catch up and letting me sleep in his warm bug-free Jeep.

I felt so tired. He siphoned my energy and wore me down. The logical switchbacks, emotional manipulation, moves to control the terms of discussion around partnership and my boyfriend at the time, the lack of consistency and multiple realities he constructed were so hard to keep track of so it was easy for him to get me to agree to anything. It made me doubt myself because I internalized the insecurity like brainwashing and this was invisible to bystanders.