In Episode 4 of @thetrek Trail Correspondents Podcast, I talk about something I think a lot about on trail: the rebellion of imagination and playing with your inner child.
The outdoors is where my imagination comes alive and where my inner child is most happy but it’s a constant struggle to make time to play with my inner child in a world that inundates us with stimuli and responsibilities and sometimes even actively discourages imagination
The inner child is defined as “a person's original or true self… might be damaged or concealed by negative childhood experiences.” In my experience, nature heals und helps us find our way back to our “original” and “truest” selves.
We're socialized to inhabit particular niches in society and we rarely take time to pause and ask ourselves what we truly want out of life. The answer comes in part, from listening and honoring our inner child’s desires and dreams, having fun, and imagining our diverse possible selves. By exploring our external environments we fund our way back home, internally.
When I told my family I was going thru hike the AT in 2018 and now the CDT they were not supportive at all. My mom and Colin are the most supportive but other “family” members and people told me things that perhaps you've heard from people when you have a crazy dream like
“that's a waste of time”
“you're throwing your career away”
or “you're throwing your life away”
and I think first these ideas reflect a very western capitalist conception of time itself in that time is linear and life is cumulative. I don't see time that way because it is reductionist and I feel, untrue. I conceive of time as a combination of western linear and eastern circular conceptions where time is like a coil - there are revolutions and “cycles” of life and growth along a forward trajectory. I'm constantly revolving in growth patterns but I learn and improve a bit each time propelling me to a different coordinate in this constellation of possible selves and personal growth.
That's why I am here on trail. I find that when I'm outside I approach life with a child-like wonder. Everyday is a new day and a new invitation to play and think. The colors and the smells in the sounds in outdoors are so much more vibrant and when I am here, I am truly free.
When you're interacting with your external environment that can often help us reflect on our internal environment. Thru hiking is a continuation of the ongoing process of unlearning what I’ve been taught about the world and my place in it, guided by my inner child. Last year I came out as trans non binary and I couldn't have done that without the opportunity to “imagine otherwise,” to imagine a life in which I was free to be my truest and best self.
When I'm outside walking in the woods I feel embraced by the love of nature absent from the mirrors that society holds up to us that distort our image of ourselves, absent from this capitalist construct that there must be something wrong with you in order for them to sell you something, and absent from gendered expectations and capitalist constructs of “productivity.”
Here I feel whole. I feel healed in a way that is hard to do in an oppressive world so to play outside is a rebellion. That's why people who are still stuck in that mindset say it's a “waste of time” or that I’m “throwing away (my) career” because this is inconsistent with expectation. So if anyone has ever said anything like that to you they can go fuck themselves because what better way to spend your time than outside in whatever capacity is right for you and play with your inner child imagine a better external world and internal world inside yourself and uplift your own spirit?
Comments